Lars and the Real Cow.

This morning, I received an insider tip that conservative commentator Lars Larson was preparing to skewer Stan Foote, Artistic Director of Oregon Children’s Theatre (OCT), on his KXL radio show. Mr. Larson’s staff had apparently spotted an incendiary OCT press release about its upcoming show, Click, Clack, Moo: Cows that Type, which included the following teaser: "The book is widely used and supported by unions as it promotes their message of organizing, empowerment, and solidarity. Lawyers of labor and employment law also recommend this book."

Now if you’ve ever listened to Larson’s radio show, you'll know that he has a beef (no pun intended...yes it was) with labor unions, particularly now that union workers have single-handedly destroyed the American auto industry. (Also, he doesn't like the illegal immigrants so much). So you can imagine his consternation upon learning that the region’s flagship theater for young audiences was propagandizing for the union cause. To Larson’s credit, he invited Foote to speak on the air about this pressing issue, rather than just trash talking about it.

Background: Click, Clack, Moo is a popular picture book by Doreen Cronin, with delightful illustrations by Betsy Lewin. It was awarded the prestigious Caldecott Honor in 2001, and named Best Children's Book by Publishers Weekly in 2000.

The plot of the slim volume is simple: The farm animals are cold. Banding together, they use a typewriter they have found to type a note asking Farmer Brown for electric blankets. When Farmer Brown ignores their repeated requests, the animals refuse to produce eggs and milk--in other words, they strike. Outraged, Farmer Brown sends his response: “There will be no electric blankets. You are cows and hens. I demand milk and eggs.”

The labor/management impasse is resolved when the farm animals offer to exchange their typewriter for electric blankets. Farmer Brown decides this a fair exchange and everyone gets what they want.

That’s the long and short of it. The stage adaptation expands on the book with a little extra back story and fun song and dance numbers (including an homage to Les Miz). Larson’s concern is that children watching the play will be unwittingly indoctrinated to believe that unions and collective bargaining are good for society. Paraphrasing, here are a few of the questions he posed in his interview this afternoon:

Aren't the animals making demands that will drive the poor farmer into bankruptcy? How is this any different than union autoworkers forcing GM out of business by making unreasonable demands for outrageous wages and benefits?

Should we be encouraging school kids to make demands? What if they ask for more recess? Are we supposed to just give them what they want?

Isn't using subtle messages to teach unsuspecting children that unionism is good a lot like a madrassa teaching Palestinian children that Jews are dogs that ought to be put in the ovens?

Would OCT ever consider producing a play that espouses conservative values? For example, teaching children that every life--even that of the unborn--has value.

To summarize: (1) Unions = Bad; (2) Culture = Liberal Bias.

Foote responded with equanimity (though with a chuckle of incredulity through most of the interview). I know he's not a fan of heavy-handed “message” plays – he’d much rather give kids something to think and talk about than to spoon-feed them a particular viewpoint, left or right. Click, Clack, Moo, does have a few lessons about the value of communication, negotiation, compromise and -- brace yourself -- standing up for your rights. Are those really such bad things to be teaching children? And while the conclusion is that the cows, chickens and ducks get something in return for their militancy, they also give something up in return – in other words, everybody wins. By the way, did I mention that this play has tap-dancing cows in tutus?

As for the liberal bias, Foote informed Larson that OCT’s production (2005-06 season) of Lois Lowry’s powerful book, The Giver, told the harrowing story of a purportedly utopian society in which one approach to reaching “perfection” was to euthanize "imperfect" children. Foote pointed out that the play’s subtext spoke to the importance of individualism and the value of human life--sentiments that Larson seemed to appreciate. Of course, The Giver also questions how much freedom should a society be willing to sacrifice in exchange for security; it doesn't answer that question, but challenges young readers to think hard about an important, and very real issue.

I think Larson was mostly looking to pick a fight to make a point about unions and how the conservative viewpoint never gets a fighting chance in our culture. Thankfully, he did not try to drum up listener outrage, nor did he issue the right wing equivalent of a fatwah against OCT. He also refrained from personally disparaging or belittling his interviewee--a tactic that seems all too common with his ilk. He even let Foote conclude the interview by offering a $3.00 discount on tickets to Click, Clack, Moo for anyone calling the OCT box office (503-228-9571) and saying “Lars sent me.” I’ll let you know if I hear of any takers.

Final note: OCT asked a talented member of its Young Professionals program, Fergus Firth, to produce a few promotional videos for Click, Clack, Moo. Fergus recently appeared in OCT’s production of Gossamer, playing the lovable dog, Toby. He also played the Prince for a few years in OBT’s production of The Nutcracker. What else? He's produced award-winning films with NW Film Center, and composed a piece performed by Fear No Music as part of its Young Composers program (which you can listen to here). This young man is an example of just how dangerous arts education can be.

Below is his video snippet of early rehearsals for Click, Clack, Moo to give you a better feel for how dangerously radical it's going to be.