A mannish motorcycle with awesome yang power!

Do you enjoy watching movies that are so bad that they’re good? I love watching a disaster movie full of bargain-basement special effects, predictable character-types and a preposterous plot. The best of the genre features a B-list character actor in a heroic role, and you just know that his agent told him, “Sure the script is corny, but you haven’t worked for months, and look what Pulp Fiction did for Travolta.”

I feel the same way about really bad writing. In my career as an arts administrator and freelance grant writer, I’ve read and edited lots of text loaded with jargon, redundancies and nouns turned into verbs. Sometimes it gets so bad that all you can do is laugh.

The other night I ran across a particularly sweet example of horrible copywriting after spotting a photo of this motorcycle called "The Wraith":

Out of curiosity, I visited the website of the motorcycle's builder, Confederate Motorcycles, where I discovered a priceless collection of pretentious copywriting. When I read a few examples out loud, my wife asked, “Are you sure this isn’t just a bad translation?”

Savor this, for example:

We are 100% focused on creating the ultimate street motorcycle experience. From the outset, this has driven our interpretation of perfect two-wheeled motoring. Real world reaction time will be world class. There will be no hint of your machine becoming unsettled. The machine will take whatever the road has in store for it with relaxed professional aplomb. There will be nothing between yourself and the fate of what your road has in store except honest world leading street motoring quality of information. Each component, down to the washers which live on your bolts, is specified for one reason only – because it is the best in the world for application upon your machine.

Let’s review some highlights:

“There will be no hint of your machine becoming unsettled.”

Are we talking about a motorcycle or a robot?

“The machine will take whatever the road has in store for it with relaxed professional aplomb.”

God knows, you don’t want to be riding a motorcycle that reacts with amateurish discomfort.

“There will be nothing between yourself and the fate of what your road has in store except honest world leading street motoring quality of information …”

I’m guessing this means you’ll feel every bump in the road.

“… down to the washers which live on your bolts …”

Daddy, what are those circle things with the holes in them? Why those are the washers which live on the bolts.

The website's description of the "P120 Fighter Combat" model starts with a statement that would make for a fine personal motto: “Clarify opaqueness and nullify hype with straight-forward true to concept certitude.”

The Fighter clarifies opaqueness and nullifies hype with straight-forward true to concept certitude. At the source is a classic right triangle. Proportion is classically derived. Scale is middle way. Bearing exudes structural permanence.Human integration deploys yang energy, vitality, and power in the most simple, pure and direct form. Geometry is optimized for the medium and/or long disciplined journey of sensory heightened motion. Torque to weight is maximized. Engine, suspension and ergonomic luxury and ease of use is optimized. Materials utilization is the finest. Individual piece and component specification is highest and best. Craft preparation and specification is uncompromised. The aesthetic is fresh, industrial, sculptural, holistic and honest. The saddle of the Fighter is your place for those outings which require extended time, geography, meditation and distance. Personal liberation will result!

Here’s the capper:

"Production of this model is limited to fifty motorcycles. 25 Roman numeral and 25 Arabic numeral models will be produced."

I sure hope I can save up $75,000 before the Roman numeral versions are all sold out!

The effete gentleman wearing the glasses in the company's artsy promotional video below is its founder, Matt Chambers. I may be wrong, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he wrote all the copy--especially the line about "awesome yang power."