Christmas Eve Greetings

SANTA: Okay everybody. Let’s settle down and focus if we can. I know you’re all busy with the toy building and the present wrapping and the reindeer care …

KRISPIN: Husbandry.

SANTA: Excuse me, what did you say?

KRISPIN: It’s called Reindeer Husbandry. You called it reindeer care, but last year we agreed to call it husbandry.

SANTA: Did we? I thought we were calling your division the “Reindeer Caretaking Team”? At least that’s what I’ve been saying all year.

KRISPIN: That was the year before. We changed it at last year’s retreat. Before that it was "Livestock Nurturance". It's more than just playing games, you know.

SANTA: Okay then. My bad. Ho Ho. Anyhow … we only hold this strategic planning retreat once a year so let’s git ‘er done and we can get on with the Christmas party. Some of you look like you could use a little mulled wine soon. Mrs. Claus will give each of you one drink ticket and a bonus cookie when we wrap up this session. The first drink is on us; after that, it’s a no-host bar this year.

ELVES: [General groaning]

SANTA: Your management team and the Elf Resources Department are hoping that all of you, the single most important asset for our brand, can give us fresh ideas for our new mission statement. I want this little exercise to be participatory. We want the process to ... what's the phrase the consultants used? ... to build community. So just start throwing out your ideas and I’ll write them on this flip chart. Ready?

DINGLE: You forgot to say that no idea is a bad idea. Before we brainstorm, you’re supposed to lay out the ground rules. You’re supposed to tell us that we’re not to judge the ideas while we’re brainstorming …

SANTA: You’re right. My mistake. Let’s move along with that in mind.

DINGLE: Respect too. We’re supposed to respect each other.

SANTA: That’s right. Thank you, young elf.

DINGLE: My name is Dingle and we’re also supposed to respect something else.

FRIBBLE: The Process! We need to respect the Process. And trust it.

SANTA: Okay. First: No idea is a bad idea. Second: We respect each other and the process. Can we get started now?

CHEEVER: What’s the old mission statement? Maybe we should start with that?

SANTA: Does anyone want to recite our mission statement for us? Anyone at all?

GRIMMEL: Something about “We of the North Pole endeavor to maximize holiday cheer and, blah blah blah, effectuate joyous spirits in a posture of goodwill and harmonious tidings?”

CHEEVER: What’s a tiding? Isn’t it supposed to be “gladtidings”? ‘Cause just plain “tidings” doesn’t really make sense to me.

BJORNG: “Husbandry” is a sexist term. I just want to register an objection.

FRIBBLE: Shouldn’t a mission statement be something short and easy to remember? How about this: We bring joy!

DINGLE: That’s a slogan, not a mission statement. This isn’t about marketing, it’s about informing our stakeholders what we do and what are core values are.

FRIBBLE: Whoa, hold on! We’re not supposed to analyze and criticize while we’re brainstorming.

DINGLE: Sorry, but some ideas are just stupid and there’s no point in writing them down. Anyway, if we can’t agree on what a mission statement is, how are we going to write one?

SANTA: Okay now hold on little fellow. Let’s take a step back and start over again. Let’s think about this from a strategic perspective.

GRIMMEL: What does that even mean?

SANTA: What I'm saying is let’s look at the big picture and think outside of the box for a few minutes. What is our purpose? Why are we doing what we do? That’s what we need to communicate.

CHEEVER: I suppose we make shit and you give it all away. Seems pretty simple to me.

SANTA: Yes, yes. But isn’t it more than that?

DRABBO: I know, I know! We make dreams come true for little boys and girls!

DINGLE: Maybe we should say, “We TRY to make dreams come true.” Shouldn’t we be careful about managing expectations. I mean, we can’t make every dream come true. Didn’t Legal have a problem with this a few years back?

CHEEVER: Strive. We strive to make dreams come true. "Strive" sounds better than “try.”

SANTA: Okay, I’m writing that down. Are you all okay with “strive”? Never mind, I’ll write down “strive” and “try” and we can decide later.

FRIBBLE: How about “Operation Strike Back”? There’s a war on Christmas, you know.

DINGLE: May I say again that Fribble’s ideas are incredibly inane and off the point?

GRIMMEL: Can we add something like, “In an atmosphere of personal respect and dignity?”

SANTA: Well that’s a given, isn’t it?

GRIMMEL: You think? You want take a look at these blisters, old man? You want to talk about adjusting our quotas for a minute?

SANTA: Ho ho! Somebody’s going on the naughty list with that attitude.

BJORNG: “Endeavor” sounds even better than “strive.”

DOOLAP: How about this: In a spirit of generosity and in an environment of respect, we implement strategic and sustainable initiatives with the goal of growing a global sense of joy.

FREEBAG: I like it! Can we add “while fostering a deepening sense of unity amongst the citizens of all nations, creeds and orientations.”

DOOLAP: “Among” or “amongst”?

FREEBAG: I don’t really care. Whichever is right.

BJORNG: What about “forge”?

FREEBAG: What about it?

BJORNG: I just think we should talk about how we forge things. Maybe we can forge a vision. So let me try: In a spirit of generosity and in an environment of respect … I think we should say “mutual respect” … we forge a vision in which we strive to implement strategic and sustainable … wait … strategic, sustainable and cutting-edge initiatives with the goal of growing a global sense of joy while fostering a deepening sense of unity among the citizens of all nations, creeds and orientations.

SANTA: Okay, that’s a good start. I think the management team can take it from here and give it a little polish. We could spend all day hammering out the specific language, but Mrs. Claus is signaling that it’s time to move on to the next agenda item. Okay, give me a show of hands for who wants to be a part of the new Social Media Team?


Bob said...

Sigh. We should have known Santa's Workshop was a nonprofit organization.

MightyToyCannon said...

Just wait until the Board of Directors gets involved!