The Fourth of July will be here in five days. That means it's time time for fireworks to start erupting prematurely. "Dude! I just drove to Vancouver and spent $200 on fireworks!"
"Cool. I can't wait until the Fourth of July is here."
"Me neither. I suppose we could light off a few tonight."
"Righteous! Let's do it!"
"I mean after it's dark and everything."
"That's cool. I can wait until dark."
"Well, just a few right now wouldn't hurt. I got plenty. Maybe just the loud ones. I'm gonna save the sparkly ones for nighttime."
"All right! Got a lighter?"
"Yeah. Hand me a beer first."
Today's Oregonian was graced by a full page ad for fireworks placed by an outfit named "The Bomber Brothers."
At the top of the ad is this warning:
Products in this ad are for sale and use in Washington only."
In the middle of the ad is this reminder:
No July 5th sales this year. Don't forget to stock up!
Let that be a warning to you.
In honor of Independence Day, I’ve taken the liberty (get it?) of categorizing the various product names from this morning’s ad. I only made up one of them.
JINGOISTIC:
American Rhythm
American Intensity
The Whole Empire
Wave with Pride
SOCIOPATHIC:
Fear No Evil
Utter Chaos
Loyal to None
Gangster
MENTAL HEALTH RELATED:
Mr. Happy
Crazy Excited on Steroids
Hopped Up
Cuckoo
Impossible Dream
NATURE RELATED:
Lady Bugs
Small Bees
Killer Bees
Yellow Jackets
Green Hornets
Ground Bloom Flowers
Magic Crystal
MILITARY THEMED:
Attack Vehicle
Black Hawk Helicopter
Victory Celebration
Parachute Battalion
Secret Weapon
Buzz Bomb
FONT RELATED
Arial (sic) Assault
DESCRIPTIVE (in order of intensity):
Flicker
Kaleidoscope
Pop Goes the Fountain
Fireworks Fiesta
Fast & Furious
Big Finish
One Bad Mother
One Bad Mother-in-Law
Holy @%&$, It’s LOUD!
IMPRESSIONISTIC:
Blue Stars
Desert at Night
Garden in Spring
Rouen Cathedral, Symphony in Grey and Rose
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5 comments:
Danger! Explosives! So fun to pick the wild card. I have a hard time believing "Holy @%&$, It’s LOUD!"
But I know better. Let's start a new game. What names of Impressionistic paintings make great sounding explosives? How about:
Edgar Degas' "Dancer with a Bouquet of Flowers (Star of the Ballet)" (1878)
It's not really fair that I did a bunch of reading recently about Whistler. So a shoo-in would have to be:
James Abbott McNeill Whistler' "Nocturne in Black and Gold: The Falling Rocket" (1874)
Whistler: Nice tutu, Ed. It's got that firework burst shape going on.
Degas: Thanks, Jim. What's with all the black? Spend a few too many nights with the hookah lately?
Whistler: Where do you think I got the idea for the splotchy sparks? Pass the pitcher and tell me about the sweet diagonal composition you got happening with those arms. She looks like a real firecracker.
Degas: Too bad her mom comes with a short fuse.
Whistler: All fizzle no pop, huh? Bummer.
I assure our trusting readers that "Holy @%&$, It's LOUD!" was not made up--at least not by me.
In honor of the Impressionists, perhaps I'll celebrate the Fourth of Juillet by drinking absinthe to the point of hallucinating a conversation between Degas and Whistler. Laura, you've got a head start.
Just a wild stab, but I'm guessin' "One bad mother-in-law."
How did you know I almost picked L'Absinthe, Edgar Degas, 1876?
You know the saying: "L'absinthe makes the heart glow fonder."
Today's Oregonian has an add from a rival company. You can by a pack of fireworks called, "Baby Boomers." Other packages are labeled: Nasty at Night; Rogue Warrior; Spirit of Liberty; Vicious Spiral; Whirlwind; Night Fishin; Fire in the Night; Swarming Bees; Back Country; and, Battle of New Orleans.
I imagine the "Battle of New Orleans" starts by producing a flood of wind and rain effects, followed by an ooze of petroleum substance that spreads across your sidewalk. Throughout this spectacle, those in charge of the fireworks are typically slow to respond and damage to your yard is likely to take years to remediate.
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