The Blogger's Lament

Let’s just admit that bloggers are attention-whores. If it’s not “Look at me! Aren’t I brainy,” it’s “Look at me! I’m so funny!

I’m talking about myself of course, though I try to avoid the confessional mode of blogging. You don’t want to know what I’m really feeling or thinking when I'm alone in the dark.

The problem is that we never really know who’s reading us. Sure, we can check the web stats. And we know the rule-of-thumb is that a blog has 15-20,000 daily readers for every person who opts to reveal herself as a “follower.” (At least that's what I've heard).

What we crave are your comments.

We’re delighted when we find a comment waiting for us. We welcome the conversation as much as we seek the validation. Unfortunately, few take the time to comment. I suspect that many of you are simply intimidated, asking, “How could my comment possibly match the brilliant insight and wit of that post?”

Some of you are thinking, “Wow! That post gave me a lot to think about … oh look here’s a YouTube video of a kitten in a sink!”

I’m not asking for your comments. Lord knows, I’m not begging. However, if you’ve always intended to comment but didn't know where to start, here’s a list of suggestions (exclamation points encouraged):

1. I’m forwarding this to all my friends!

2. I haven’t laughed this hard in years. I practically coughed up a lung, your post was THAT funny.

3. Your blog post made me weep like a little baby. I never knew that catharsis would feel so good!

4. I agree that [insert title] sucked, but haven’t been able to articulate my feelings as clearly as you have in this post!

5. I was ready to disagree with your perspective, but you really turned my head around! Keep up the good work!

6. Does it hurt to be so interesting? Just wondering!

7. Where do I sign up?

8. Thanks for reminding me of what's really important in life! From now on, I won't sweat the small stuff ... and you know what they say about small stuff!

9. Could you please e-mail your advertising rates? We're interested in supporting your important work!

10. The individual I represent pressed me to sue you for libel. However, after reading your clear analysis and careful research, I have convinced him that he would never win in court.

11. Wow! I thought I’d heard everything!

12. Too true!

13. The veil? Pulled away!

14. When are you going to review [insert title]? I don’t want to spend the money if you don’t think it’s worth it.

15. Finally I understand [insert subject]! It's a topic that has mystified me until now.

16. Barack Obama gave me hope, but you’ve brightened my day!

17. I’m proud to call myself a real fan! Color me enthused!

18. There you go, sticking it to the man again!

19. At first I thought you were joking, but then the more I read, the more I thought, “Man, this dude is sooo right on!”

20. Okay, okay! I'm going to call my mother right now!

21. I never thought a blog would be enough to convince me to donate a kidney. God it hurts so bad!

22. If NIKE gave sponsorship deals to bloggers, you would be like the Michael Jordan of bloggers!

23. How do you sleep at night? What I mean is, what do you wear to bed?

24. I am SO going to plagiarize this post!

25. Your post is almost as smart as my post on the same subject at [insert link]! Mine has fewer typos.

26. As a result of your scathing review, our board of directors has voted to close the doors on [insert name of organization]. Thanks pal!

27. After reading this post, I was able to move my right toe for the first time since the accident. Hallelujah!

28. I don’t know how you do it! Actually, I don’t know what you do. Or why.

29. From your mouth to God's ear, brother!

30. You can now order male enhancement supplements through the internets!


cynseattle said...

and let the vacation begin....

MightyToyCannon said...

Um ... we're you expecting (or hoping) that the chattering would stop for a whole week? Sorry, no such luck.

Stephen said...

I love your Blog... It somehow makes me wanna give you lots of attention, because I find you to be smart, informative & funny. I bet you are/were one of the cool kids!
Your blog makes me want to know more about your personal life... can we readers have just a peek at the REAL YOU?

Unknown said...

When you're back from vacation, could you please solve those pesky unemployment and national debt problems? I really don't think anyone but you has the raw intellectual skills to pull it off.

LicketyGlitz said...

i like soup.

Miss Laura said...

Where can I donate a kidney again? Can I just mail it?

MightyToyCannon said...

Stephen, the character from the prematurely cancelled TV series, "Freaks and Geeks" with whom I most relate is Lindsay who effectively straddled the line between the freaks and the geeks. Altogether, not a bad place to be in high school.

Bob, I'll get to those tough national issues as soon as I've figured out where to put a Triple A baseball stadium and get a street named after Cesar Chavez.

LicketyGlitz, I like soup too! It's a small world after all.

Laura, I'll be curing kidney disease soon, so your extra kidney shouldn't be needed. If that changes, I know how to find you.

Finally, cynseattle, what are vacations for if not for blogging? We're off to the coast for a few days with no internet access (unless our favorite coffee spot has installed wifi since our last visit).

Amy said...

If I'm doing the math correctly, with 23 followers you actually have anywhere from 345 to 46,000 readers! So bro, I think I'll add myself as a follower and boost the number of readers from 15 to 20,000 more than that. I'm pretty sure that's how statistics work. No matter, I'm saving your list for handy cut & paste use. You always tickle my funny bone.

MightyToyCannon said...

That's EXACTLY how statistics work! And, I believe there's another rule-of-thumb that says that once you have 50,000 readers (or 24-25 followers), you start getting paid for doing this. Right? Right? Hello?