Sarah Palin Declares Independence

If you want to be gobsmacked by inanity, I suggest you watch the video of Sarah Palin's press conference announcing her resignation as Governor of Alaska. (In my part of the country we call it "quitting"). Better yet, go to her official state website and read the text of her speech, which has been published without changing a jot of her folksy illiteracy. Did she really think that announcing this on a Friday before a holiday would beat the news cycle? If you were making a speech that you knew would get national attention, wouldn't you actually write something down, rather than ad libbing? Whatever.

What if Sarah Palin had been among our forefathers back in 1776? Here's how I think the Declaration of Independence might have turned out:

"Don’t you know that sometimes we the people have got to do what we got to do. We can't keep playing the politics as usual game by stickin’ with each other just because that's the way the big powers want it to be. Sometimes you have to strike out on your own, listening to your heart and praying for guidance. But, yes, you need to explain to the people so they understand why you’re doing that and all. Though--this is funny--my mother has a sign in her scullery that says 'Don’t bother explaining yourself. Your friends don’t need it, and King George won’t listen!' Now that's what I call a self-evident truth! {wink}

Anyhoo, here’s what I’m thinking and being guided by the good Lord to say. First thing: Everybody, even the little guy from a real town or farm is just as equal as a big-time Philadelphian or Londoner. Even Bartholomew the Ironmonger has got to have rights like Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. And Energy! People have a right to energy independence too.

To hold on to these rights as tightly as I'm holding my beautiful son Trig, you sometimes have to let government take care of things. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept politics as usual. And you need the people that you’re governing to agree to that and all. Because that's what this is really about. The people. And that’s not government interference they want! No sir.

But, you know -- and I want to say this straight to my fellow colonists and not have it filtered by the towncrier and those broadside printers. (And Lord knows that Benjamin Franklin guy with his sayings and his 'gotcha games'). So let it be said, when government gets big and corrupt, sometimes you need to pass the ball and play a different kind of game by standing up. I choose to stand up. I'm not wired to sit down and hit my head against the wall.

Life is too short to plod along and listen to the people who say, 'Just quiet down and pay your excise taxes' or tell you to just 'go with the flow.' Nah, only dead fish 'go with the flow.' I choose to fight. I fight for you so we can build up! National security and small government. Saying no to the big interests and standing up for freedom and our troops. We need to support our troops and all that they have ultimately sacrificed with their blood. We need to say 'No more tyranny!' to King George so we can progress this nation along the path that Jesus wants us to progress it on.

Thomas Jefferson wrote a few things about this same thing and is doing that politics thing of getting other powerful interests to sign it. You just know, don't you, that he's going to use that fancy way of talking like they do in Virginia. That kind of talk is all just words and everything. I wanted to tell you straight, without all the sugar coating and the “whereas” and “wherefores” which get in the way of telling you what people need to hear.

So there, I’ve said it. Some of you will question the timing of my declaration. Sure, I could have waited until summer was over, but jiminy-cricket, it’s the Fourth of July people! This is the day God intended us to declare our independence. So now Todd and my wonderful family are going to roast some meats and put on a Chinese gunpowder display. Thank you."


~Christopher said...

I'm pretty sure she just picked up the phrase "politics as usual" on the campaign trail and has been throwing it around ever since without knowing quite what it means.

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Snickers said...

It is pretty amazing on how Palin presents herself...

How did she ever become governor in the first place?

John Miller said...

Wow! You pretty much nailed that one. Hilarious parody Ross. She sure sets herself up for ridicule, and to think that her Party feels that she is a viable presidential candidate!

MightyToyCannon said...

Thanks for the comments folks. How does that saying go? "Like shooting fish in barrel."

cynseattle said...

I like Maureen Dowd's column comment: "Caribou Barbie is one nutty puppy."