Household Tips Edition

You know what Culture Shock has been missing? A regular feature in which we share household tips, that's what.

This afternoon, Courtenay Hameister (@wisenheimer on Twitter), funny writer and host of Live Wire Radio (everybody’s favorite Portland-centric radio show), tweeted this admission: “Just had Miracle Whip for the first time in years, and while ‘miracle’ is a bit of an oversell, it was deliciously tangy.”

That reminded me of having once read that the “miracle” in Miracle Whip is its many uses beyond sandwich and salad lubricant. A quick Google search located several nifty ideas, which I’ve edited just a teeny bit.

Removing dead skin from the feet

Rub a generous amount of Miracle Whip all over your feet with a soft washcloth to remove tired, dead skin. Let the Miracle Whip set for five minutes and rinse off with warm water. Do not reuse the Miracle Whip. Not effective on gangrenous flesh.

Polishing metals

Rub a generous amount of Miracle Whip onto your metals including candleholders, brass lamps, brass knuckles, car bumpers, sink fixtures, metallic gizmos, firearms, robots and jewelry. Leave the Miracle Whip on your metal surface for twenty minutes and wipe with a soft cloth while cooing softly.

Remove cigarette smoke stains from walls

Rub a generous amount of Miracle Whip all over your walls to remove cigarette smoke stains. Rub Miracle Whip all over yourself while doing this. Let the Miracle Whip set for one hour on the wall. Wipe away with a soft buffing cloth. Be sure to leave your windows open so that the odor of the Miracle Whip doesn't overtake your home. Your walls will be restored to their natural, smoke-free beauty. Rub leftover Miracle Whip on your smoke-stained teeth and buff with soft pumice stone.

Condition your Hair

Apply a generous amount of Miracle Whip once a day to condition and shine your hair. Leave the Miracle Whip in your hair for forty-five minutes. Garnish with parsley for a fresh look. Rinse the Miracle Whip from your hair thoroughly and wash with your usual shampoo, or not.

Remove Chewing Gum

If you're ever unfortunate enough to get chewing gum in your hair or your child's hair, just apply a generous amount of Miracle Whip to loosen it (the gum, not the hair...well, maybe the hair). Be sure to discard the gum!

Use as a facial

Apply Miracle Whip to your face and leave it on for about 30 minutes before rinsing it off with warm water, followed by a cool water rinse. This will moisturize your face while restoring it to its natural, smoke-free beauty.

Remove head lice

Apply Miracle Whip to your scalp and the roots of your hair. Apply it to the edges in front, the sides and the back. Place a plastic hair bag (not a bag of plastic hair) over your hair and leave it on for one hour. Rinse the Miracle Whip from your hair using a comb and warm water. Then wash your hair twice to remove the residue from the Miracle Whip. You can also add a few drops of peppermint oil into your shampoo to mask the smell of shame. Repeat this procedure every ten days, or ten times daily depending on your supply of Miracle Whip.

Okay, that gives us 20 posts for the month of September--a respectable number. Goodnight.


Unknown said...

Courtenay Hameister's reference to Miracle Whip's tangy quality brings to mind that Space Age wonder, Tang, a vaguely orange-juiceish thing that purportedly accompanied the astronauts on their adventures to infinity and beyond. And does anyone else remember Instant Postum? Sanka?

I grew up eating Miracle Whip (went through a period of eating peanut butter and Miracle Whip sandwiches) but now that I'm a grownup I'm a Best Foods mayo man. During my years on the East Coast I was a Heilman's man. I believe they're the same thing. I made a big batch of my own mayo once, but it reeked of the olive oil I used and was nowhere as good as Best Foods. They don't call it "Best" for nothing.

Stephen said...

I know another helpful & fun use for Miracle Whip... but not in this forum.