Giant Ship Covers the Waterfront

“Holy sh*t! What the hell is that?” was my reaction upon crossing the Morrison Bridge on my way home this evening. Not far from where a Ferris wheel spun at the Rose Festival’s Happy Funtime Joy Center just a week ago was an entire 12-story building floating in the Willamette River. Was this a new kind of Fleet Week?


The Oregonian ran an story on the ship’s visit today (and published the picture above). I did a little more research and found another short article in an obscure local journal, Portland Seaman Weekly:

AVAST MATEY! A Vast Ship Hoves into Stumptown

June 14, 2009
Portland OR

As part of Oregon’s strategy for stimulating the economy and reversing the region’s dismal joblessness rate, Governor Kulongoski and Mayor Adams have successfully convinced the operators of the cruise ship, The World, to dock at Portland’s Waterfront Park this week. The World is a 665-foot, 12-deck residential luxury liner that cruises the world while treating its 140 residents to upscale services such as a gourmet market and delicatessen, a full-service spa, a tennis court, an art gallery, a souvenir shop called “Jimbo’s House of Gimbals and Hawsers,” and a tattoo parlor run by a Norwegian artist, Sven the Sailorman.

The governor and mayor announced the ship’s upcoming visit during a hastily organized press conference held on a Pride Parade float upon which Thomas Lauderdale played “No Hay Problema” using Storm Large’s ass as a bongo drum.

“By bringing The World to Portland,” said Governor Kulongoski, “we hope to bring Portland to the world.” When asked what he meant by that statement, Kulongoski answered, “One word: Sustainability.” He then stripped off his clothes and rode an all-electric moped into a crowd of naked bike riders.

Mayor Sam Adams took the podium to announce, “This historic visit will contribute to cultural tourism in the region, creating economic opportunities for Portland’s artists and other creatives.” After a short pause, he added, “The farmers market people and bicycle frame builders too. And soccer. These people like soccer.”

The mayor concluded the press conference by directing job-seekers to a special hotline for positions that will be immediately created in the ship’s wake.

***

Out of curiosity, I dialed the number and heard this message:

"If you are an artist with cake decorating experience, press 1 now.

If you are a professional sushi chef, press 2 now.

If you are a tattoo artist and have blond hair, press 3 now.

If you have five years or more experience as a barnacle scraper, press 4 now.

If you have a graduate degree and a passion for clean scuppers, press 5 now.

If you are an experienced palanquin lifter, press 6 now."

UPDATE: The Oregonian has more photos of "The World," including the one below that shows the behemoth's scale more clearly. The small craft in the foreground are either Somali pirates or ZooBombers who have switched to jetskis after getting bored with little bicycles.

2 comments:

Laura said...

Oh, how weird. When I go on the Google to search for Portland Seaman Weekly I get "Portland coupons for pizza, grocery shopping, restaurants and more."

And now my computer is freaking out and stripping out lines from the post leaving only strategic words, which must all be of a plan, because I can only read:

Joy Center
seaman
avast
dock
called Jimbo's
naked soccer hotline.
If you are
a sushi barnacle scraper
and passion lifter
press 6 now.

MightyToyCannon said...

Such poetry!