Van Culture

You want to know what’s worse than a blog that hasn’t been updated for nearly a week? I’ll tell you what’s worse: The woeful demise of American van culture.

Sure, light rail, street cars and bicycles are all great and “green,” but there’s just no artistic flair in those sensible approaches. How do you airbrush a mermaid on the side of a bicycle? What’s the one thing that can save General Motors? The solar-powered super-van, that's what.

I know what you’re thinking: “Yes, of course more hip gibberish, more van-jive, more youth identification … all of that crap that you p.r. people come up with.”

I’m telling you, we came so close to discovering breakthroughs in van technology in the late 70’s. I blame Jimmy Carter, but others say it was the greed of Wall Street tycoons that killed research into van designs that rocked hard while achieving respectable gas mileage.

In case you have doubts, be sure to rent the groundbreaking documentary, “Dude, Who Killed the Super Van?” Here's the trailer:



By the way, that's poet Charles Bukowski appearing at about the 1:08 mark.

5 comments:

shobiz said...

Wow, MTC. I've been sitting here for five minutes thinking up witty van-related counterpoints, many of them involving the eternally rumored link between vans and pedophiles. In the end, nothing I thought of was developed enough to post, so I'll just leave you and your readers with a book recommendation: My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face" by Michael Ian Black. There's technically only one van-related essay, but it is better than a '75 Econoline emblazoned with a Roger Dean painting. The rest of the book is also quite funny.

BTW, I thought you were kidding about Bukowski... yeeesh.

MightyToyCannon said...

Thanks for the recommendation, Shobiz. The title of the book alone is hilarious.

David said...

Do you think there's ANY CHANCE of scoring that super-van prototype? Man, that is bitchin'!

I'd love to get the movie's soundtrack, too. I assume it's available on 8-track...

G Dazzle said...

Though much later in the game, I dabbled in van culture for a few years after acquiring my Gran's '87 VW. Rising gas prices, my cursed liberal guilt and low compression led me to sell it off but I had grandiose plans for a while; including touring with and appearing with it on 'Pimp My Ride' (you had to live in L.A. for that).

Though, not before my girlfriend got me not one, but two t-shirts boldly emblazoned with "Drive a Van Through It."

Awwwwwesome.

MightyToyCannon said...

I think the VW bus deserves a whole section of the subculture all to itself -- god bless'm.